External forces

October 23, 2011

Many decisions I make are based on considerations solely on internal factors like my own welfare, financial capabilities, leeway, motivation, and what not. This was fine for a long time when I was able to live my life with little to no external deliberate intervention or interruption. But that is no longer the case these days it seems… for the past year or two I have been noticing my utter incapability to enjoy what I used to enjoy as freely as I used to have, in its place a huge pit of troubles and worries blossom. I know very well the easiest salvation is to just not to give a shit about the whole thing but that by itself is quite an impossibility for me crediting to my personality and also the fact that the matter encroaches my very pride and ego.

That’s the effect of turning from mostly internal to partially external for me. Just partial and this is what I got, what more to expect with the decades of life ahead? Perhaps the only true way out is for me to achieve my dream, my greatest dream. Any other outcome and my psyche is doomed. Lovecraft, more likely than you think.


p.s. material urge sure dies with time. I remember how I used to itch and rage restlessly wanting to play Tales of Xillia in the past ever since I first saw the PV the night I got back from Japan last year and later despite glaring doubts, but after months later in the present I no longer feel the same even though it’s the rage now. Material urges, heh…



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